ouijaprofile (ouijaprofile) wrote,

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Soothe Me

After a weekend of work, drinking and indifference towards my usual mallaise, I finally came home. Came tired. Came sore.

I had an interesting couple of days, I think. All that talk about using "building blocks" is basically a reference to enjoying my friends as they are and growing out from there. If I keep waiting for a perfect person to come along and steal either my heart of massive, intellectual brain, I'm never going to be satisfied. Hell, I'm not perfect (though I can pretend to be for extended periods of time), so I should really stop expecting everyone else to be.

Is this what empathy is supposed to be? I keep meaning to talk about me and that particular emotion, but I never get around to it. One of these days soon, I think. It's something phenominally complicated for me.

Anyway, I spent some time just hanging out with my ex, and that's where most of the surprises come from. I am now completely confident we are never getting back together as long as we both live, and frankly, that is perfectly okay with me. For the first part, I can stop wondering whether or not that's what she's ever wanted, as she's sometimes indicated she's unhappy with whatever current moron she's dating on any given week and would rather have my predictable blandness back. For the second, and this was the big surprise, we function on a completely different and more compatible level when there's no romantic pretense involved at all. We can socialize without any of her jealousy or neediness showing, she's infinitely less moody because she doesn't expect that from me, and we can actually have real conversations instead of those stupid, ulterior talks where we're trying to find hidden meanings and just leading up to an argument. Obviously, she's a completely different person to whomever she isn't in a relationship with, and I might be as well. I had never thought about that, but I'm perfectly comfortable with it. We'll see how this goes.

Assuming this clubbing thing becomes a regular activity, I'm going to make an effort over the summer to learn how to dance properly. I did some of it the other night - I guess. I mean, if you could call it dancing. I definitely get the appeal, though - it's fun to go out and pretend to be somebody else for a while. Or, rather, an expression of my more theatrical, sexual sex. I can be my academic self during the week.

A friend of mine mentioned that I look better than he can remember and I seem more confident. If that's what school, work, journal, art and socializing are doing, well... stay the course, man. Stay the course.

the mean of our heights is divided by the nights which is timesed by the daggers in the root of all our fights
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