ouijaprofile (ouijaprofile) wrote,
ouijaprofile
ouijaprofile

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Disorientation

Fucking colds. I picked up one over the weekend not unlike you would shop for groceries; in fact, I'm fairly certain I caught it from people who were shopping for groceries. Outstanding. To use a technical term, I'd say it's pretty much "killed the fuck" out of me over the last couple of days.

Maybe I've just lost my touch over the last few weeks, but I can scarcely bring myself to blog at all. Even though life has been a little touch-and-go lately, I just haven't felt anything worth talking about. I did have a little episode the other day, but I don't really want to talk about that. I made one logical argument to myself and my perfect tantrum wound down at almost record speed. It was... disappointing, to be honest. I don't like being done with being angry until I've completely satisfied myself.

I brought a journal (that is, an actual paper journal) to school with me to try and break out of the LJ slump. I'm finding that it's increasingly difficult for me to focus on things when I'm at home, because the second I step through the door I'm instantly ensnared by waves of exhaustion. The real truth is probably that I'm far too comfortable at home and I let my guard down, so I rarely feel the motivation needed to get any work done. This is why I stay after school or go somewhere else if I really need to do something - as long as I'm out, I feel the need to justify being out. Once I'm home, I don't want to do anything; usually, I just end up wanting to sleep. Anyway, I haven't really recorded any relevant thoughts into it, but I have done a bit of story sketching for something I was working on in November. A particularly absurd and off the cuff NaNo project that I became particularly fond of over time - of course, like so much of my stuff, I probably won't get around to writing it until I can figure out what the stupid plot is supposed to be. Then again... maybe this one doesn't really need it.

You can tell when I'm forcing writing because it looks something like this, completely lacking cohesion. I like to think I have a ridiculously good sense of composition, and when it's on the words flow like they're on tap. I think I'm just so mentally preoccupied with (still) one or two overriding things that I grow pale in their shadow. I have mentioned many times before that I have to go in every direction at once, but when something stops working, and it's too important to let it slide, it becomes a monstrous sort of thing that I lose control of and let smother everything else. My social concerns have lessed somewhat, but I'm getting increasingly worried about my finances, since everything I want to do hinges on my finances. Let's add in the fact I don't know precisely what's going to happen after I'm done upgrading: By the end of this term I need to know whether or not I'm going to leave Alberta for university, and if I am, where am I going to go? I have some sketchy details, but with the money, math and time concerns, it becomes twisted and complicated. Formulating a plan out of this, along with everything else I want to do before the summer comes, leaves me feeling among the walking dead. It doesn't help me that the last few months of my life seem about as real as zombies, either.

imma tell you like you told me
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