Okay, so once again I may want to step off it a bit. All this talk of accepting and expanding weirdness and moving forward with a new self-image like so many marketing campaigns is wonderful, and genuinely heartfelt, but occasionally does conflict with my terribly self-conscious reality. It's very easy to make life-altering decisions from your armchair and then u-turn come a moment of truth. Or even a moment of vague frankness.
Went to the mall today. I have got to realize that never in my life has that been a good decision. Nothing cool has ever happened to me at the mall, I have never met anyone interesting, I have never been blessed by serrendipity, I have no friends to speak of there and I can't do shopping therapy. Really, though, it's just the shopping that gets to me. I hate shopping - looking at stuff I want to buy just reminds me of all the things I can't find in my life. I actually don't think I can go to market at all unless I'm just buying bread and milk, becase it's just one of those things I abhor doing alone.
I said I'd expand on one of the two things I talked about the other day (or review some albums - that's probably coming, but we're all just going to have to wait with baited breath), and I think this all ties very sadly into my comment about my extraordinarily well cultivated loner culture. Putting it simply, I spend most of my time by myself, and as much as I've gotten used to it being that way, I have never really gotten good at being alone. Basically, you could say I find it very hard to act independently. I never go out on Saturday, for example - and really, why would I? Unless I have somebody going with me, I lose the group dynamic that's vital to me. It's a controlling issue: I'm hampered by my general inability to reach out to others individually, and also hampered by a longstanding desire to do things by myself, because I just don't know how to operate outside of that mindest. If you understand what I'm getting at, I think it illustrates why it's taken me so long to get my life steadily moving in one direction - as Tom always says, I'm all concept and no execution.
I'm trying, maybe not as hard as I want, but I am trying to break it so I can finally be happy with what I'm doing, whatever the hell it happens to be. But I can't help getting discouraged easily. I suppose on the bright side I'm not as hopeless as I was a few years ago, and I actually have a few small building blocks to my credit. But I have got to learn to fucking use them instead of aiming way past what I've learned so far and setting unattainable goals, which I will inevitably fail at just so I can say I tried. (Self-fufilling prophecies are another one of my favourite past-times, they are never positive, and I have to try and outgrow those fuckers, too.) I definitely know what I want from other people and what I expect from myself, so... let's regroup and try this again.
i go to sleep and imagine that you're there with me