As the last few months have rolled by, I've slowly begun to come to terms with how weird I am, naturally. It's always kind of been there, in the back of my mind, the awareness of it. I have weird hobbies, I like weird music, I have weird tastes. I have an extremely weird and often awkward manner, which is usually what I self-consciously focused on. It just seemed... unnatural somehow, though. If I think about the personas I cultivated, mentioned in the last entry, it would probably be safe to say that my weirdness didn't fit into what I was imagining, even though the entire action was VERY strange by definition. Anyway, I guess the point is that I used to try and hide it, or would wait a long time until I began to express it, like it somehow undid me. Now I've reached a point where I no longer feel like hiding the fact I'm eccentric, I'm at peace with it, although I can still take some time to express it.
However... lately I've been feeling as if I should try ridding myself of that 'problem,' too. I've accepted the fact I am genuinely a little touched - and now that I can deal with it, it seems to make sense in my brain that I should try pushing the envelope on how weird weird is for me. I'm not exactly sure why, but... I seem to want to see myself as a canvas for my own self-expression, not just what I do or say. Wait, let me try and make that sound less ridiculous. I'll explain what I've been thinking:
I'm finding it easier to relate to people in a group level than on a personal level. Some people fear public speaking more than they fear death, which I can understand, but not empathize with. For me, it's easy to find a simple, underlying theme to relate to in a room full of people, stand up at the front and speak to all of them at once. To me, it almost seems theatrical, because I'm trying to form a completely different relationship with them than I would one-on-one. And for some reason, nothing about that is threatening to me the same way that talking to a single person, face-to-face is. Thirty people could look at me and think I'm ridiculous all at once, and that wouldn't bother me in the slightest, because that may have even been what I was trying to achieve. It's honestly something theatrical to me, as if I think of a group as my audience and I reach them on that specific wavelength. But when I sit down with just one of them, the goal has changed: there's no theatre in that, and the shared experience I'm trying to form is on a much deeper, more serious level. One person is not an audience, and I am really not free to 'act' to them. If someone thinks I'm ridiculous here, I feel as though I've lost them; that is almost never the intention. If I fail at communication in any way, it's that I cannot reach out to people individually; if I can succeed anywhere, it's that I can cultivate a group with minimal effort. Thus it is said, I have many acquaintances, but no friends.
So I suppose what I'm egging at is that I want to stand out more to the naked eye. If it really is so easy for me to speak to people as a group, maybe I should work harder at that, and make myself more interesting in the process. And if I'm lucky, reaching multiple people on a low level might help me finally figure out how to reach a single person on a higher one.
work you out like a mathematician